One Of My Fave Childhood Films
Ok for my new series of blog posts. I have decided to do film reviews of my fave 5 films in the next 5 days. Why would I do that I hear you ask? Well the answer is easy, it gives me a chance to rewatch some of my favourite films from yesteryear and today and share them with you!. What are these films you may ask? Well the first one is one of my childhood faves ‘Transformers The Movie’.
If you don’t know what Transformers are they are autonomous robotic lifeforms from space who can transform into handy useful household objects, not things such as an egg whisk or dildo but rather things like a boombox (you have to remember it is the 80’s people!) and cars. There are two kinds of Transformers the goody goody Autobots who are here to protect the earth and it’s natural resources. They are named Autobots because most of their forms are cars and the evil Decepticons who are able to transform from anything such as a pistol to plane.
The movie is set in the previously distant future of 2005. Where the Autobots and Decepticons have now both settled on earth and are constantly waging their war. The movie originally came out in 1986 and as I would have been 2 when this came out the first time I was treated to this many years later and it became one of my fave films and I can still almost quote it word for word to this day. But why choose this as my first film the answer was simple whilst surfing YouTube on Sunday trying to find stuff for my son to watch, he rejected Elmo and such but he was drawn into the Transformers , which we stumbled on accidently. Yeah my 10 month old son likes Transformers, go Skatronixxx Jr he has good taste like his daddy. This got me thinking why not chose this for my first review so here we are!
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The film opens with a shot in space with a giant robotic planet that will later be revealed as Unicron traveling through space set to a backdrop of eeiree emotive music. If you didn’t know who Unicron was before, you could tell by this music alone that he was bad news. You are then transported to a planet full with other autonomous robotic life forms who are not the transformers. They are blissfully unaware living their life before you see them scurry and flee in a panic as Unicron descends on the planet. His pincers grapple the robots home planet and pulls it towards his almost octopus mouth devouring everything. The lack of speech other than ‘Get to the ships, it’s our only chance’ set against the continually eeiree emotive almost mechanical music adds to the element of this intro. You see the lifeforms try to flee before being sucked into his giant robotic mouth parts. You are then transported into the belly of the beast as you see him devouring the planet and it’s inhabitants before setting course for Cybertron (The home planet of the Transformers).
The film then immediately cuts into an 80’s revamped version of the Transformers theme tune and title sequence. Now if anyone reading this remembers the G1 into they will know it was amazing, however the movie theme tune was a perfect fusion of 80’s metal shredding guitars and drums and the original lyrics. This Transformers film would be PG and it would kick ass. As a kid watching this movie when you’ve seen a giant badass robot already eat a planet in the first few minutes you ask yourself what could come next? It is also IMPOSSIBLE not to sing along to this theme tune. TRANSFORMERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!!!
The Intro To The Movie I DARE You Not To Sing You Failed Right???
After the title sequence you are then transported to a view of Cybertron where the voiceover tells you that the Decepticons have vanquished the Autobots from their home planet. Laserbeak comes into play as he fly’s over to the Autobots secret bases on Cybertrons moons. Now it’s not quite a secret base if Laserbeak the chief spy has been sent on a secret mission to scout them, plus they are moons! Come on Megatron couldn’t you have taken over the moons too? You then see what Laserbeak see’s and it’s the Autobots led by their heroic leader Optimus Prime plotting to take back Cybertron from the Decepticons where Optimus ultimately says the immortal words ‘All we need is a little energon and a lot of luck’. This plan is heavily reliant on Ironhide (second in command of the Autobots) piloting a mission to to Autobot City on Earth to gather enough energon to launch a full scale assault on Cybertron to reclaim their home planet. You see Ironhide leading the other Autobots such as joint second in command Prowl, chief medic Ratchet and grumpy grizzly war veteran Brawn on the mission to Autobot City.
Now that Laserbeak has gathered his intel on the Autobot mission it is automatically replayed to an eagerly anticipated Megatron who utters the immortal like ‘More than you can imagine Optimus Prime’ as he conjurors up his master plan.
The Autobot ship is show flying through space before a heavy metal music score kicks in an the Autobots who had been the main characters are brutally killed not just killed but annihilated by the Decepticons. As a kid I was like WOW as an adult it still amazes me at the brutality of this scene and the death of so many beloved characters especially Ironhide getting shot in the head pointblank range by Megatron. Savage just savage but AWESOME!!!
We are then treated to a scene of Hot Rod and Daniel fishing, I never really got this scene other than setting the peaceful mood on earth. Daniel’s tablet (yes he had a tablet!) kicks in notifying him that the ship is about to land and him and Hot Rod set off to meet the ship to a cheesey upbeat 80’s song. I gotta add at this point that all the songs and cartoons have meshed perfectly, films of today could learn something from this.
Upon reaching the aptly named ‘Lookout Mountain’ they quickly notice there is a hole in the ship, upon closer inspection it is revealed to be the Decepticons looking to sneak into Autobot City in their own ship, ala Trojan Horse. When the Decepticons realise the rue is up the entire Decepticon fleet pour out the ship attacking Hot Rod and the other Autobots nearby such as grizzly war veteran Kup. Kup ends up saving Hot Rod from Blitzwing’s fire before they exchange words showing an uneasy alliance between the grizzly war veteran and cocky brash and up and comer as they head back to Autobot city as the attack ensues.
The action then transfers back to Autobot City where we see Perceptor, Ultra Magnus and co coming under heavy artillery. Ultra Magnus is seen taking command ordering the various Autobots to do their various roles in Optimus Primes absence. Again there is more metal music playing in the background as we see Springer and Arcee transform Autobot City to war mode. My favourite scene kicks in where Starscream who is shooting at Springer gets his foot caught in the transforming city before uttering the word F*** as he blasts his own foot to free himself. This is cut out in 99% of the films but it is real, trust me on this one and if you don’t google it!
Megatron then unleashes his Insecticons into the fray who eat the wall allowing the Decepticons to gain access to the city. Just as it looks like they are about to gain access Hot Rod and Kup come down and basically well roadkill the Insecticons to gain entry. Mmm squished Insecticons.
We then cut to my favourite Autobot of all Blaster, who is tasked with the mission of contacting Optimus Prime for reinforcements, just a she gets the message out Blasters nemesis Soundwave set’s his cassette tape minions on Blaster who responds in kind. Another immortal word is uttered here by Frenzy who says ‘ First we crack the shell then we crack the nuts inside’. Blaster and Soundwave wouldn’t work in today’s age, you couldn’t have MP3 players with robotic songs downloaded from Pirate Bay kicking ass. When questioned as to whether the message gets through to Prime, Blaster responds by saying ‘I hope so otherwise we will all look like burnt out toaster ovens’. The script writers were on fire in this one.
Burnt Out Toaster Ovens
We then see Megatron and his army descending about to break through the barriers are Springer and Arcee are almost there to complete the final transformation of Autobot City, upon arriving they see the fallen bodies of Windcharger and Wheeljack both of who have been mercilessly killed by the Decepticons. First Ironhide and Prowl, now Wheeljack, why do they keep killing all my fave old school transformers who next Optimus Prime??? Just as it looks like all hope is lost Hot Rod, Kup and the annoying Daniel turn up and help them turn round the giant robotic crossbow???
Daniel peers over a ledge to see the Constructicons merge into Devastator (seriously is this kid a bad luck charm or what???) We then cut to a shot of time passing by before Megatron informs us their defenses are broken and the slaughter is about to begin. As Devastator pulls the barriers apart. Oh no, the Autobots are really in for it this time! Wait a minute there’s a ship piloted by Prime. YAY Optimus. Optimus orders the Dinobots into the fray to destroy Devastator. Now this is hardly fair one giant robot against 5 small dinosaurs? I know who my moneys on.
Just when we think the tide had turned the Decepticons way, we see Optimus roll into battle with more cheesey emotive 80’s music playing. The Decepticons are shooting at him but wait it’s just bouncing off, remember these are the same guns that killed poor old Ironhide and co, he is truly a badass old Prime. I like that fact that Optimus swiftly transformers to robot mode mid air and shoots all the Decepticons down in one guy. I heard an interview that Optimus was based on a heroic cowboy and I can see it in this scene. Once the Decepticons are shot down , Optimus and Megatron come face to face and the immortal line is uttered ‘One shall stand and one shall fall’.
The battle to end battle ensues as Hot Rod tried to get in on the action but is told to stay back by Kup as it’s Primes fight. WHAT? NO????? OPTIMUS has been hit by shrapnel in the chest, he will be ok won’t he? That doesn’t scare Prime instead he retaliates with an axehandle uppercut and Megatron goes down losing his plasma cannon. But Megs has another weapon his energy sword and thrusts it into the already injured midsection of Prime. This isn’t looking good for Prime 😥 but wait he’s come back again, man this is the fight to end all fights. Why watch UFC or WWE when you can watch the two hardest robots of all time knock lumps out of each other? Optimus has Megatron begging for mercy , but alas it’s a rue Megatron has spotted an unused gun and just about as he is about to use it Hot Rod (yes Hot Rod again!) jumps into the fray and is swiftly hold hostage by Megatron who proceeds to shoot Optimus in his already injured midsection. DAMN YOU HOT ROD!!! With Optimus’s last ounce of strength the double axehandle comes into play again as he knocks Megatron flying over a wall and down 3 storeys before ultimately collapsing.
The Decepticons retreat in Astrotrain (yes a train that can travel in space) as we switch to Prime hooked up on a life support system as Perceptor advises us that Optimus is about to die. Before passing on he hands over the matrix to Ultra Magnus as he ultimately turns grey, and dies. Now as a kid watching the scene was horrific, now I know Optimus Prime ALWAYS dies in the movies but this was the first time and the most harrowing of all the transformer death scenes. It’s a little bit confusing as to how Optimus turns grey when all the others didn’t, was it because he was older and made of a cheaper metal? Hmmm the mind boggles
What Kid Didn’t Cry To This Bit?
We then pan back to Unicron who is watching Optimus die on his optic circuits before letting out an almighty scream in disgust, how can he possibly see that? Has he got super super zoom in lenses or something? We then go back to Astrotrain who informs him defacto leader that he is carrying too much wait and cannot make it back to Cybertron. The time for dumping deadweight has come and Megatron and the other bots are mercilessly tossed out into space like yesterdays trash. Shortly after a battle ensues as to who the new leader of the Decepticons should be, the Constructicons swiftly form Bruticus, which is amusing as it makes you think just how big is the ship Astrotrain is. Is it the tardis???
Megatron’s almost lifeless body comes into sight as him and the other battered Decepticons float into Unicrons orbit. Now know as how Unicron dismantled other robots Megatron doesn’t stand a chance right? WRONG! It turns out that Megatron was summoned by none other than Unicron himself. Hmm this just got interesting!! What does Unicron have in place for Megatron? A hilarious back and forth ensues between the two where Unicron states that he will give Megatron a new body and troops in exchange for the promise that he will destroy the Autobot matrix as it is the one thing than can stop Unicron. Remember that people!! Megatron is swiftly transformed into the new Decepticon swiftly named Galvatron, with the other bots making up his new army of Scourge, Cyclonus and Co.
Starscream comes back into the play as his coronation of Decepticon leader is taking place before being swiftly destroyed by Galvatron in one shot. Now why didn’t Megatron do that years ago? Needless to say Galvatron is the new Decepticon leader. Unicron happy with this is seen descending onto Cybertron and Cybertrons moons. Cybertron Moon Base 1 is first to go with Jazz and Cliffjumper trying to escape before ultimately being sucked inside. NO, JUST NO!! FIRST IRONHIDE THEN WHEELJACK, THEN PRIME AND MEGATRON, THEN STARSCREAM, THEN JAZZ??? Stop killing all my favourite characters. * SULKS * Bumblebee and Spike are seen radioing the remaining Autobots on Moon Base Two as they both try to escape. Spike then utters the cult classic line of ‘Oh shit what are we gunna do now’, yes he swore, the Ned Flanders of the transformers cartoon swore, now you know you’re in trouble. Finally it ends with Bumblebee and Spike being sucked into Unicron. Ok I get the killing of the transformers, but Spike really? This is a kids film people!
BYE BYE Starscream
Galvatron swiftly then takes his troops and departs for Earth, we pan back to Magnus and co who make the decision to stop Unicron as it is more dangerous then all the Decepticons combined. Springer chips in saying how are they gunna stop it before Hot Rod says the matrix can do it and when questioned why, he responds with he just has a feeling. Hmm I don’t trust your judgment so far Hot Rod why should I trust you with this? Wait it’s Galvatron already, how quickly are their ships, maybe if Optimus ship was that quick, he’d still be alive. The Autobots attempt to retreat but are slowed down by the Dinobots. There’s a funny clip where Galvatron gets spaceship rage and shakes his fist at Grimlock before the Autobots depart. The annoying thing is how they turned Grimlock from a badass T-Rex to a metallic version of Barney the dinosaur.
Kup then recalls various war stories to the Dinobots as the pace slows down. Wait a minute it’s Galvatron again, does this guy never give up? Before Kup’s ship is shot down and forced to crash on a nearby planet. Magnus shows little concern as he is still being trailed by the Decepticons but he as an idea. Separate the ship so from the back it looks like the Autobots have been terminated, whilst they get away. Galvatron is happy before he is ultimately summoned back to Unicron. Don’t you think you should have checked the wreckage first Galvatron? Rookie mistake.
Magnus and co then depart for the nearby ‘Planet of Junk’. We then pan to a planet with metallic looking fish, fish really what’s the point of metallic fish and metallic seaweed where Hot Rod is found tangled in this weed. He then pulls out his go go gadget hand saw before dispatching the fish and weeds. Now why didn’t he do that straight away before crying like a baby. Pfft Hot Rod. We then hear Kup cry out in pain as he is being attacked by a giant robotic squid, yes a squid. What planet have they landed on, Sea World?? Hot Rod defeats the squid before we see Kup’s tangled remains. I found it kinda sad how a war veteran such as Kup was defeated by a robotic squid, couldn’t they have sent him out a better way? Hot Rod being the hero he is picks up Kup’s remains and retreats out the water.
We then see the other Autobots crash land on the ‘Planet Of Junk’. Wait a minute how can Daniel a human breath on another planet that doesn’t have oxygen without his head exploding like mentos put into coca cola. They happen to have one of Spike’s exo-suits lying around so the Scrappy Doo of Transformers is now a Transformer. Great 
Wreck Gar Speaks Better TV than Bumblebee From The Michael Bay Era
We then go back to Hot Rod who is repairing Kup. Once Kup is operational again a friendship is formed and they set off before being stopped by a weird army of robots. Kup steps in with his knowledge of other planets and uses the universal greeting of Bah-Weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong. Now this is handy to know especially if you’re stranded on the metallic planet version of Sea World. Alas this race is not familiar with the saying and subsequently capture them. Whilst in their holding pen, they run into one of the scientists from the first planet who informs them about Galvatron. Two ships both crashing into the same planet now what are the odds? Do those guys have giant magnets or something? We then see the robot taken off for his trail and despite being declared innocent he ends up getting fed to the Sharkticons. Hmm I think the jury might not be fair, what do you think?
It then goes back to the Dinobots who are looking for Hot Rod and Kup before long Grimlock and Slag have an argument and compare each other to metallic sausages. Priceless!! Then the anonymous Autobot who has been stalking Hot Rod and Kup introduces himself to the Dinobots. Great as if a human version of Scrappy Doo wasn’t enough we then get an Autobot one too in Wheelie, he has a slingshot too, who is he Bart Simpson?
Galvatron meets up with Unicron who informs him that Galvatron has failed in his quest to destroy Ultra Magnus. We then go back to the ‘Planet Of Junk’ and just as the Junkions are about to attack the Autobots the Decepticons come into tow and attack the Autobots. Galvatron and his army descends on Ultra Magnus, as Magnus attempts to open the Matrix he is blown to smithereens by Galvatron and the matrix is captured. Magnus, Optimus told you the Matrix would light OUR darkest hour, not yours, you fool. No wonder you got blown up.
We then go back to the planet where Hot Rod and Kup are on trial and are sentenced to death by the Sharkticons. Hot Rod and Kup versus a million Sharkticons who’s your money on? If the plucky heavy metal soundtrack is anything to go by my moneys on Hot Rod and Kup. They created a vortex in their car forms and quickly escape. Now why hasn’t any other robot done that before? The Sharkticons follow them out of the pit and surround them before Hot Rod ushers the line ‘We can’t hold out forever but we can give them one humungous repair bill’. As it looks like the two Autobots are about to be defeated, the Dinobots save the day. As the Quintessons try to get the Dinobots executed Grimlock suggest why not execute them. The Sharkticons agree and overthrow their rulers.
This Film Needed The Humour Of The Dinobots
We go back to Junkion as the dejected Autobots are attacked by the Junkions, a battle between the two takes place, before the ship that Hot Rod and co have stolen from the other plant lands on Junkion. How did Hot Rod, Kup and co know that Springer and the other Autobots would be on that planet. Of all the planets in all the world. Luckily for them all Hot Rod remembers the universal greeting of Bah-Weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong and new friendships are formed before they all dance around in a circle. Yes a circle. I never realised how much Wreck Gar leader of the Junkions cannon nipples looked like a bad Madonna bra. Wreck Gar then orders his army to repair Magnus and are recruit to help stop Unicron.
Bah-Weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong
Galvatron is then shown standing on Unicron taunting him. Just as Galvatron pisses off Megatron (trust me you really do NOT want to do that). Unicron transforms into his robotic form and sets course to destroy Cybertron. Unicron looks a lot like a robotic version of Satan which is perhaps another one of the reasons why he scared me as a child. Unicron is shown tearing the Deceptions and Cybertron to shreds before eating Galvatron. Mmmm Galvatron * drools*
Mmm Galvatron *drools*
The now combined force of the Autobots and Junkions descend on Unicron but in the battle the Autobot ship crash through Unicrons eye OUCH and into his body. Hot Rod is separated from the rest falls into the same part of Unicron as Galvatron. Of all the odds. Just as it looks like Galvatron and Hot Rod are about to join forces, Unicron commands Galvatron to take him out ‘permanently’ and Hot Rod subsequently retreats. Meanwhile outside Unicron the Dinobots descend on Unicrons bottom as Grimlock informs us that he is about to kick butt and he does so literally.
Back in Unicron the remaining Autobots are chased by Unicrons internal robotic antibodies and Daniel is separated before coming to a vat of acid where robots are being dropped in. At the front of the que about to be dropped in is Spike and co, wait Spike is alive? Spike is about to be dropped into a vat of acid in front of his son? Now this film has had some sick moments for a childs film so far but that would take the biscuit. Spike informs Daniel to save the day by shooting down the cover to the vat of acid. Daniel fires up his suit and shoots the cover. Has his dad been fried to a crisp in a vat of acid? Will Bumblebee be next? No he’s saved the day!
We are then taken back to the battle between Hot Rod and Galvatron. Just as it looks like Hot Rod is about to be stangled we pan back to Unicron crushing the Junkions then back to Hot Rod and Galvatron. Just as Hot Rod is about to die, he grabs the matrix that Galvatron is wearing around his neck like a badass Mr T Chain and opens it, WHAT??? As he grabs it Optimus Prime utters the word ‘Arise Rodimus Prime’ and the best feel good song for any movie kicks in as Galvatron is thrown out through Unicrons leg. Now that’s what I calla gorilla press slam or power slam wrestling fans. Hot Rod opens the matrix. Hot Rod opens the matrix. HOT ROD OPENS THE MATRIX!!! Or should I say Rodimus Prime 😉 With the matrix open Unicron is shown exploding internally, things look bleak for the remaining Autobots as Rodimus Prime tells them to roll out and they do so through Unicrons other eye OUCH AGAIN.
We are then taken to a shot of Unicrons head exploding off his body, ok we get it, he’s dead now. As the Autobots stand victorious.
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There we go that was Transformers The Movie as it should be done, not the Michael Bay monstrosity that todays kids are treated too. I say make any kid who loves Transformers watch this film and he’ll be converted to a G1 fan like me. Heck make any kid between the age of 6 and 10 watch it and they’ll be a G1 fan.
If you’re after a film that has everything from giant killer robots getting blown up to witty one liners and metallic dinosaurs arguing over sausages Transformers The Movie is a must for anyone.